[Southern California Permaculture] How to Help Friends Who Lost Their Homes in Fires

Sun Nov 11 20:23:37 PST 2018

 <https://www.kqed.org/news/program/the-california-report> THE CALIFORNIA
REPORT

How To Help a Friend Who Lost Their Home in a Fire

Carolynn Spezza (right) and her family lost their home in the Valley Fire in
2015. She says the help and kindness of friends and strangers helped her
make it through. (Courtesy of Carolynn Spezz)

Carolynn Spezza and her family lost their home to the 2015 Valley Fire.

One of the things that surprised me in the wake of losing our home was the
power of kindness to buffer threads of stress and sadness before they could
take root and overwhelm our family. Logistically, the support of gift cards,
coffee cups, blankets or a pair of scissors was invaluable.

However, it was kindness from those near and far, friends and strangers,
that created beauty in the midst of ugliness and healing in the midst of
despair.

Below are 15 tips we offer to those longing to support friends or loved ones
navigating the treacherous path of rebuilding a life after home loss. Among
these ideas, I hope you find a way of reaching out that feels meaningful.

SPONSORED BY

With the needs so vast, rest assured that there is a way you can offer
support that falls within your resources and skill set, even if you are
pushed a tiny bit out of your comfort zone.

1. Support the debris removal process

Offer support in the coming months on the days the debris removal crew comes
to clear the lot. This valuable support can be given by being present at the
lot, hosting dinner at the end of the day or simply knowing the dates of
debris removal and picking up the phone for a check‐in call.

<https://ww2.kqed.org/news/wp-content/uploads/sites/10/2017/11/RS27874_10-De
bris-Removal-guys-qut.jpg> The debris removal crew that cleared the Spezza’
s lot created an atmosphere of respect and humility on the jobsite. Before
beginning the process, workers gently asked the family if there were any
small items they should first search for before beginning clearing process.
The crew’s kindness and humanity meant the world to the Spezza family.
(Courtesy of Carolynn Spezza)

Focus on quietly helping a friend feel seen and giving them an opportunity
to verbalize a range of intense or confusing emotions. If relevant, prior to
debris removal, offer to help sift through ashes for remnants of cherished
belongings. If you are welcomed into this process, please note the
following:

*         The sight of a lost home may be a sacred burial ground of a lost
life. Focus on being a respectful guest with slow moments and quiet energy.

*         Allow your friend to remain the leader at all times. Ask where you
should be and what you should pick through. Refrain from going into treasure
hunt mode, even if the opportunity is compelling.

*         Wear a mask, gloves and either a government‐provided disposable
protective suit or shoes and clothing you can discard afterwards in the
trash. Invisible dust composed of remnants of insulation, metal and other
toxins may otherwise be absorbed through your skin or breathed into your
lungs. Ensure your friends wear protective clothing/gear as well. If they
are weary, be vulnerable and voice that you care about their health. There
is no time like the present to help them feel cherished.

During debris removal there may be little need to talk or fathom the
experience of losing a home. Your value is being a rock of quiet, steady
support.

2. Just listen

Sit in the discomfort. Do not offer a bright side. Finding a silver lining
is their work, not yours.

Use your words to validate, not minimize. Refrain from saying, “It was just
stuff.” For some people, they just lost their way of life. Sadly, they are
probably also embarking on an insurance nightmare, financial ruin or both.

If finding the right words is a struggle, consider asking:

*         “What feels overwhelming today?”

*         “What is on your mind today?”

*         “What do you miss or feel angry about today?"

*         “What are some tasks you need to accomplish today?”

3. Show up to help clean

<https://ww2.kqed.org/news/2017/11/02/homeowners-weigh-options-for-wildfire-
cleanup/>

<https://ww2.kqed.org/news/2017/11/02/homeowners-weigh-options-for-wildfire-
cleanup/> Homeowners Weigh Options for Wildfire Cleanup

When a friend is moving in or out of a new living arrangement, offer to help
clean -- and offer to bring cleaning supplies. Insurance will likely not pay
for this. Cleaning a house one must move in or out of in the midst of
mourning a destroyed home can feel like just one more bitter piece of a new
life a person is suddenly trapped within.

Not being alone in this endeavor can soften the sting and free up time to
tackle other parts of an endless to-do list.

4. Ask how you can help even if you live far away

Support from those living afar is invaluable after a disaster because the
natural, local network has been compromised. Nearby friends and family who
would normally fill the role of helper may be walking around in a daze or
scrambling to rebuild their own lives.

Within days of losing our home, a friend from my past tracked me down and
firmly asked how she could help. Her question carried a serious,
matter-of-fact tone. She was not going to let me wiggle out of receiving
help.

I gave her a few options, and stunningly, she filled every single one --
even the ones that were far from simple.

For instance, my friend found a circle of seamstresses at her mother’s
church to replace special dresses and bonnets my daughters needed for a
cherished annual pioneer event quickly coming up on the calendar, softening
the ache of helplessness in my mama heart. She convinced me to give her a
list of books and toys her friends could mail to my 7‐year-old daughter.
Replacement books and toys started arriving right away, with gentle notes
written by people we had never met.

<https://ww2.kqed.org/news/wp-content/uploads/sites/10/2017/11/RS27866_7-Bal
e-Grist-Mill-6-Vienna-qut.jpg>

Vienna Spezza wearing pioneer dress at the Bale Grist Mill. Within a week
after the Valley Fire Carolynn Spezza's friend, Gayleen Gavitt, organized a
circle of seamstresses at her mother’s church to replace pioneer dresses
for Carolynn’s daughters. (Courtesy of Carolynn Spezza)

When I failed to think of gift ideas for our 9‐year old daughter who is not
into stuff, my friend pressed. She asked for permission to send art supplies
and then inquired into what my daughter loved. I explained that she loved
helping people and dreamed of one day working for the humanitarian
organization World Vision. I shared how my girl wept over losing a jar of
money in the fire she had spent years filling with allowance and fundraising
money to send a wheelchair, mosquito nets and solar lamps to children
overseas through World Vision.

My friend listened. Then she called World Vision. Seriously.

World Vision set up a special webpage for people to give money in honor of
our daughter. Each day, our little girl watched the webpage as funds were
raised to cover her goal, and then funds were raised far in excess. In the
midst of staggering loss, that webpage made my daughter overflow in smiles,
giggles and jumps up into the air when she was unable to contain her
excitement.

A few months later our daughter, whose world was continuing to crumble,
received a package from World Vision with her name on it. She opened it to
find handfuls of thank you cards handwritten by World Vision staff. Just
imagine the gasping. There could be no greater gift that notes from her
heroes. They also sent a beautiful Christmas ornament that will forever hold
a special place on our holiday tree.

5. Bring meals

Drop off a meal aligned with food preferences that is prepared in containers
that do not need to be returned. Just for fun, throw in a box of ziplock
bags or a roll of paper towels. If you are good friends, add a pack of
toilet paper. What overwhelmed person doesn’t appreciate a pack of toilet
paper?

Alternately, set up an online system for other people to bring meals via a
website such as takethemameal.com.

6. Offer to host children for play dates or game nights

For me, one of the hardest aspects of the fire was managing a seemingly
endless stream of phone calls, paperwork, driving and decisions amidst
children so deserving of affection. There are no accolades for a person who
pops a bowl of popcorn and plays Candyland with a child, but I hold it as a
gift to the world, especially after a fire, when the world seems to be
spinning ever so fast.

If helping children feel seen is one of your gifts, please do not hesitate
to host children for fun days, board game nights or trips to grab a
hamburger. Their parents could no doubt use a few hours of undisturbed,
guilt-free productivity.

7. Share meals

Invite friends to your home for meals like breakfast on Saturday morning or
dinners throughout the week. Try not to allow any guilt over your house
being intact stop you from opening your home. Your friends may need the
beauty and stability your home can offer.

Whether you prepare basic meals of spaghetti and salad or more elaborate
fall meals with stuffed squash and pumpkin pie, kindness and warmth are
always meaningful. (I apologize in advance if your guests act bitter and
depressed. Try planning a card or board game as a focused distraction.)

8. Lend essentials

With permission, bring over a laundry basket of kitchen essentials to lend
indefinitely. After the fire, a new neighbor brought over a basket of
everything I needed to make tea and coffee, telling me to keep the items as
long as needed. This collection enabled me to perform simple tasks, such as
offering a child or guest something warm to drink. It felt like beauty
manifested before my eyes.

<https://ww2.kqed.org/news/wp-content/uploads/sites/10/2017/11/RS27875_11-Bi
rthday-crown-qut.jpg> Before the fire the family celebrated birthdays with
homemade crowns. After the fire a family friend mailed a crown Carolynn had
previously made for their own daughter’s birthday to ensure the Spezzas
could continue this sweet traditional. In this photo, Lucia is opening a
birthday letter wearing the crown mailed to her. Lucia and Vienna are
wearing robes recreated by their grandmother after the fire. (Courtesy of
Carolynn Spezza)

9. Support clothes shopping with either childcare or companionship

Offer to watch the kids while a woman shops for clothing or undergarments.
If she does not have children, ask if you can take her out for a nice lunch
and coffee and shop alongside her. There is SO MUCH shopping that must be
done. And this is not fun shopping.

Having a friend alongside can provide a measure of the solace and fortitude
so desperately needed.

10. Gather gift cards

After the Valley Fire, there were days when gift cards lifted my soul enough
to keep me going. I could feel utterly exhausted in my new life, with two
weary kids beside me, but as I swiped a gift card to help pay for yet
another cart of stuff, a feeling of kindness would fill my body. I knew I
was not alone. I was seen and cared for ‐ both by people who knew me, and
by people who barely knew my name.

<https://ww2.kqed.org/news/wp-content/uploads/sites/10/2017/11/RS27864_Gift-
card-tree-qut-e1509929148361.jpg> After the Valley Fire devastated the small
community of Cobb in 2015, resident Grace Ernst set up trees of gift cards
in her dining room that she had gathered from friends, family and
acquaintances on Facebook. For months after the fire Grace opened her home
for women to come rest, have coffee and breakfast, pick up gift cards, and
express details of the new exhausting life they found themselves trapped
within. (Courtesy of Grace Ernst)

In times like these, the power of kindness to help the weary feel seen and
to summon fortitude is incalculable. Small gift cards for $25 or $50 are
fine. It is partially the gesture.

In the wake of the Valley Fire, my sister collected masses of these types of
gift cards from distant friends, family and Facebook acquaintances. When she
saw tired women in the community, she would hand them a few gift cards. She
had so many that she set up a little Christmas tree in her dining room to
hang them from.

When women came over for brunch or coffee, she would tell them to take some,
along with little packets of pretty socks and notepads she had purchased.
(Notepads were for jotting down to-do lists, shopping lists and items burned
to report to insurance companies.)

11. Consider supporting the purchase of wooden crates

One of the best decisions we made after we lost our home was to purchase 20
‐30 wooden crates from craft and fabric stores. We lacked the time or
desire to shop for permanent furniture, so instead, we used these.

<https://ww2.kqed.org/news/wp-content/uploads/sites/10/2017/11/RS27880_21-Wo
oden-crates-4-qut-1.jpg> The Spezzas bought wooden crates to use as shelving
around the house. In this photo the children are using wooden crates to
build a pioneer general store with crates, kitchen supplies and toys given
to them after they lost their home to fire. (Courtesy of Carolynn Spezza)

We stacked them in closets for clothing, placed them on their ends for
nightstands and used them in the living room to hold books and toys. They
can also be stacked in two columns with space between with a board laid
across for a desk. The versatility of these is indispensable.

We have used them in three houses, rearranging them as needed. Hopefully
they will one day end up in the garage. Each wooden crates normally costs
$12 to $15. Consider asking a fire survivor if you can purchase a few for
drop off.

12. If you donate used items from your home, do it very carefully

Used items can be a blessing or a curse and thus must be given mindfully.
Let me explain:

Receiving items from the homes of our friends was among the warmest, most
moving aspects of life after the fire. One of my most cherished memories of
this was receiving a box from a family living far away that was filled with
meaningful items collected from their home. We received the box soon after
we moved into what our family perceived as an ugly, gross rental.

It was obvious the family had walked around their home and chosen beloved
items to send to us. There were beautiful homemade napkins that had graced
their table, fresh beeswax candles, books written by authors they knew we
loved, a cashmere sweater for our younger daughter, a dress for our older
daughter and two shirts gifted to my husband.

<https://ww2.kqed.org/news/2017/11/03/were-you-a-witness-help-kqed-investiga
te-the-northern-california-fires/>

<https://ww2.kqed.org/news/2017/11/03/were-you-a-witness-help-kqed-investiga
te-the-northern-california-fires/> Were You a Witness? Help KQED Investigate
the Northern California Fires

 <https://ww2.kqed.org/news/2017/10/26/gallery-thanking-our-fire-heroes/>

 <https://ww2.kqed.org/news/2017/10/26/gallery-thanking-our-fire-heroes/>
GALLERY: Thanking Our Fire Heroes

Sitting over that box of beauty was a turning point for me. For months
afterwards, when I felt discouraged over the new dull ugliness in my life, I
would think of that enchanting box and feel better. I still think of it, the
box with kindness, generosity and beauty folded within.

That said, receiving boxes of used items was usually a frustrating endeavor.

After the fire we received numerous boxes in the mail from friends and
family of random stuff that we could not even donate to a thrift store in
good conscience. Sometimes I would take the boxes to the garbage can and
pour most of the contents directly into the trash.

Gratitude is one of my greatest gifts, but I could not believe all the
random things people seemingly dumped on us, at a time when I possessed
neither the time to process them or places to put them.

Consider: where is a person who lacks dressers or storage containers going
to store a pile of random stuff, even if it may potentially be useful one
day? If you do not absolutely love an item, your friend probably won’t
either.

Give what will uplift, not weigh down.

13. Offer to help with paperwork.

If your friend has insurance, offer to help with the personal property
inventory. This is a soul‐crushing monster.

In the months after the fire, a friend invited me over and told me we could
open a bottle of wine and work through this beast together. Recently, she
offered to complete portions of the inventory on her own, portions such as
pricing out items in a sewing box, in a laundry room or under a kitchen
sink. Again, it is so lovely to not feel alone in this endeavor.

14. If you are a close friend living locally, realize that this may be a
marathon, not a sprint

<https://ww2.kqed.org/news/2017/09/22/2-years-after-destructive-valley-fire-
lake-county-rebuilds-and-readjusts/>

<https://ww2.kqed.org/news/2017/09/22/2-years-after-destructive-valley-fire-
lake-county-rebuilds-and-readjusts/> 2 Years After Destructive Valley Fire,
Lake County Rebuilds and Readjusts

It will likely take years for people who lost a home to navigate the
maddening insurance and financial process ahead, replace basic necessities
and bring warmth back to a home. This can be a bitterly exhausting process
for friends who did not lose a home within a disaster area.

Hold the space of your own experience as a survivor. Your life and
friendships will perhaps experience deep loss as well.

Basically: Get ready. You may need to pace yourself.

15. Know that it is not too late; it will not be too late for at least two
years

Last week, two years post‐fire, I completely broke down in exhaustion while
sitting in the living room of a dear friend. Our attorney had just explained
that despite the 300 pages of paperwork we have submitted to our insurance
company, I have another 100‐300 more to go in order to obtain the balance
of the insurance policy monies we seek.

I fiercely believe in steady process, mindfulness and not letting mean
people sabotage my inner peace, but I snapped. I was shaking in fury.

My friend sat with me in my frustration and despair. She listened, offered
to fill my teacup and ladled me out a bowl of soup.

My point is, it will not be too late to give kindness for quite awhile. This
is a long haul.

It is a long haul of negotiating sadness. It is a long haul of learning
nitty gritty details of debris removal, insurance policies, insurance law,
hiring a reliable contractor amidst shortages, rebuilding, replacing
government‐issued documents and working with a mortgage company.

It is a long haul of holding confused children. It is a long haul of
shopping for things a person does not want to buy again. Sometimes, it is a
long haul of navigating maddening absurdity.

There will long be a place where your help can create fortitude for those
suffering.

There will long be a place where your kindness can heal.

Thank you for being a friend to those who need one.

(805) 962-2571
P.O. Box 92156, Santa Barbara, CA 93190
margie at sbpermaculture.org
 <http://www.sbpermaculture.org/> http://www.sbpermaculture.org

P Please consider the environment before printing this email

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